I pride myself on being relatively up to date on my celebrity gossip, (Yes, Paris Hilton does have confirmed gonorrhea... No, Madonna hasn't slept with Derek Jeter... Yet... ) but I did not see this one coming. In the celebrity wedding shocker of November, Heidi and Spencer eloped! Now, why is this a shocker? Well, I thought they'd FOR SURE pull a Star Jones and merchandise the crap out of it. Luckily, it wasn't stroke inducing as the great people from US Weekly were invited to the wedding and managed to get what I'm imagining was a very exclusive paid-for story. I'm not going to partake in this sham of a marriage and am boycotting US Weekly this week. By the way, WTF is with his "beard"? It's like half of the hair on his face realized he was a terrible douchbag and retreated back into his skin to hide. WTF? Also, is the quote "The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying" really the best comment to have on the cover? I'd be crying too if I had just gone into marriage with Satan.